If feelings had a diary

If feelings had a diary, feelings would make a list. If feelings can make a list of what is true, maybe this would be it.

  1. I get easily attached. It starts with this overwhelming feeling of caring too much. There is this need to go all in for another person because I am not the kind of person who goes halfway.
  2. I am afraid to let go of people. Because I have been attached to you, I now have the inability to let go of you. Despite you being such a huge toxic in my life, I still find myself wondering how you are and often weighing the good times I had with you against the bad. More often than not, the good wins. Because when I look back to those times that felt good, those were the times when I felt free and happy. I understand that once a toxic is in your life, you must find a way to cut it out. But you were once a constant, so how can I let go of the familiar just to find myself swimming in the dark?
  3. We may have been labeling ourselves as friends, but we’re not. I realized that we have stopped being friends for quite some time now. I look back to our old conversations, and those seemed natural—not one thing felt forced. But we talk now, and it is such a struggle. I have to try to catch up with you because at some point, you have left me into a place called, ‘we will get through this together’, but you’ve moved on. You’ve found new people who understood you better because you are now in a different place than I am. I’m stuck, and you’ve moved forward. And for the longest time, I’ve been happy for you. But not once have you looked back to see how I was doing. You assumed I was fine, and that’s the worse part. You thought I was fine, but all I felt was stuck.
  4. I need people who will not hinder my growth. Our friendship has always been about you and your loud personality. And I’ve always felt small. But I’m tired of feeling small. I no longer feel the need to restrain myself just because you are no longer someone who applauds my growth.
  5. I need to surround myself with people who truly understand me. I have always been different. This is both a blessing and a curse. To stand out in a crowd that tries so hard to fit in is a wonderful opportunity to find oneself. On the other hand, to be different can mean that no one else understands. I have always struggled to know who I really am, what I can do, and who I can be—the limitless possibilities I can find myself in, the weaknesses that disguise themselves as strengths and vice versa, and the many versions of myself that evolve as time passes by.

I need people who understand what it means to be lost. Because the thing is I have always tried to find you. But this time, it’s about me. It’s about loving myself more. It’s about choosing me.

  1. I need to stop feeling like I have to explain myself to anyone. Because I do not need to feel like I owe anyone an explanation. I have always had this need to let people know me better, to let them know who I am, what I am thinking. But life is too short to think about what anyone else thinks about me. It is exhausting to have to put other people first before your own. It isn’t about being selfish. It’s about knowing that there will come a time that you will have to choose yourself. Because in the end, all we really have is ourselves. The thing is you have made such a big deal about the decisions I’ve made. You do not support most of it, and even when I try to explain myself to you, you disregard everything I’ve said. So, really, what is the point? My soul is tired from having to exhaust myself of words and redirecting them to people who are incapable of hearing the volume by which they speak.
  2. It’s okay that you have found your people. I have mistaken you to be my person, and I do not blame either one of us for that. I think that part of the idea of you becoming my person was the idea that you understood and knew me well. But things change, people grow, and nothing ever really stays the same. You were a different person then, and I was, too. Maybe this is better for us—to grow up while growing apart.
  3. I want to allow myself peace. I deserve calmness. I deserve fresher air to breathe while having to let go of toxics in my life. I want to allow myself peace—to have the ability to walk away from people who treat me less than what I know I deserve. I want to allow myself peace—to be able to look at you and not feel an ounce of resentment. I want to allow myself peace because I deserve it.
  4. I want to be able to look back while moving forward. When my heart is at peace, I want to be able to look back and see this as the attempt of the Universe to set people apart just because there is nothing to grow from. Because the Universe knows what it is doing, and it understands the need of falling apart for better versions of human beings to fall together.
  5. You are not someone who is easy to outgrow. But I am not someone who is built to settle. I do not want to settle for a mediocre friendship, even more so a mediocre love. I do not want to settle for whatever is there. I know what I deserve, and you are not it.

Photo by Daehyun Kim

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